finer than your fine cousin

and so it goes


/

Things haven’t been okay in a long long time. I stopped sleeping and I eat waaayyy too much. I think my entire blood stream is coffee. I find myself standing in my room, staring at the pair of scissors on my desk, thinking about slashes on my skin. I pick my skin and scratch and try to bleed when I’m upset. I know I should stop but it’s automatic. The point is, I stopped thinking about it and started doing. That scares me. I’m really isolated in this room, and no one checks on me. I know I did that to myself. But the idea of opening up to someone the way I need to scares me. Carly is the only person who has ever saw the real true me, and Benji pretty much the same. They are the only ones I go to when I can’t take it anymore, when everything is really really bad, I turn to them. I know they must be sick of me whining and being ungrateful and upset and sad. I know I am. I try really hard to deal with everything myself because I’m not a burden, or a charity case and I’m not crazy. I can hold myself together. To let another person in is dangerous. And everyone I wanted to open up to has something that makes me not trust them fully, or something that makes me know they just don’t care. I dont remember ever feeling so alone. And I know I have family and Carly and Benji but they’re 300 miles away. My anxiety has reached rocket high levels, and I cant even think straight because I’m always just so stressed out and exhausted and scared. I don’t think I’m cut out to be top of my class, to go to such a prestigious university or to go to medical school. As a person I’m just fundamentally not good enough. Things have just gotten so overwhelming. And I’m afraid to ask for help because I want to be strong and I don’t want anyone to tell me I can’t make it. I’m embarrassed. I’m just really, really, really not doing so well.